Funny one lines

Funny One-Liners

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

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