Monday, May 31, 2010

Don't try to outsmart your Dad


 A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
 as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
 His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
 from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
 Then we'll talk about the car.'

 


 The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
 offer, and they agreed on it.

 


 After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
 and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
 disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'

 


 The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
 noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
 Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
 evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

 


 To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere
 they went?'


 

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Friday, May 28, 2010

Inventor of first ATM dies at 84

 

London - A Scotsman credited with inventing the world's first automatic cash machine has died at the age of 84 after a short illness, his funeral director has said.

John Shepherd-Barron died peacefully in hospital in Inverness, northern Scotland, on Saturday, said funeral director Alasdair Rhind.

He started thinking about how to obtain cash outside business hours after being locked out of his bank, and the eureka moment came when he was in the bath, the BBC reported.

 

"It struck me there must be a way I could get my own money, anywhere in the world or the UK," he told the broadcaster in a 2007 interview.

"I hit upon the idea of a chocolate bar dispenser, but replacing chocolate with cash."

Barclays commissioned the invention and the first automatic teller machine (ATM) was installed at a London bank in 1967. It paid out a maximum of 10 pounds a time.

Plastic bank cards had not been invented at the time, so Shepherd-Barron's machine used cheques impregnated with carbon 14, a slightly radioactive substance, according to reports.

After detecting it, the cheque was matched against a PIN (personal identification number).

The inventor played down the health concerns surrounding the radioactive cheques, saying in 2007: "I later worked out you would have to eat 136 000 such cheques for it to have any effect on you."

He had originally wanted a PIN number to comprise six digits but his wife told him she would only be able to remember four.

"Over the kitchen table, she said she would only remember four figures, so because of her, four figures became the world standard," he said.

There are now more than 1.7 million automatic cash machines worldwide, according to the ATM Industry Association. - Sapa-AFP

 

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Thursday, May 20, 2010

7 Minute Chocolate Brownie Resep

'n Heerlike Chocolate Brownie resep - nie so droog nie

 

Koek Bestanddele:

1 koppie koekmeel

1 koppie suiker

3 eetlepel kakao

1 kop lou water

1 teelepel vanilla essens

4 teelepels bakpoeier

1/4 teelepel sout

2 eiers

1/4 koppie kookolie

 

Sous Bestanddele

1 blik Ideal melk

1/4 koppie suiker

200g sjokolade

 

Koek Metode:

Sif droë bestanddele saam

Klits eiers en meng met lou water, olie en vanilla essens

Voeg droë bestanddele en eiermengsel saam en meng goed

Gooi in gesmeerde plat bak

Plaas 7 minute op 100% in mikrogolfoond

Los vir 1 minuut in mikrogolf voor dit oopgemaak word

Haal uit oond en laat goed afkoel

 

Sous

Smelt 3/4 (driekwart) van die ideal melk en al die suiker saam

Gooi oor koek

Smelk 1/4 (kwart) van die ideal melk en sjokolade saam

Gooi oor koek

 

Dankie Ansie vir die resep

 

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I know

I Know

· I know He is the beginning, so why do I worry about the end?
· I know He is the creator, so why do I wonder who will destroy?
· I know He has forgiven me, so why can't I forgive myself?
· I know He is the healer, so why do I speak of sickness?
· I know He can do all things, so why do I say I can't?
· I know He will protect me, so why do I fear?
· I know He will supply all my needs, so why can't I wait?
· I know  He is my strength and salvation, so why do I feel weak?
· I know that everything and everyone has a season, so why when someone's season is over do I weep instead of rejoice?
· I know He is the right way, so why do I go the wrong way?
· I know He is the light, so why do I choose to walk in darkness?
· I know that whatever I ask of GOD, GOD will give me, so why am I scared to ask?
· I know that tomorrow is not promised, so why do I put off for tomorrow what I can do today?
· I know that the truth shall make me free, so why do I continue to lie?
· I know He gives us revelation, knowledge and understanding, so why do I lean on my own understanding?
· I know I should live in the spirit as well as walk in the spirit, so why do I choose to live in the spirit but walk in the flesh?
· I know that when praises go up, blessings come down, so why do I refuse to praise Him?
· I know I am saved, so why do I refuse the word He has given me?
· I Know He has a plan for me, so why am I rushing it because I am eager to do His will, when it is His time not my time?

 

 

 

 


The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.

 

 

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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The safest place to be (Church humor)

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

 

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

 

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

 

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.

 

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. So above all else, avoid hospitals.

 

But, you will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.

 

Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at a church! And Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

 

So, attend a church and read your Bible. IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

 

 

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Friday, May 14, 2010

Hey, lady! .... Why don't you let him pass?"

 
After being retired for a couple of years and completing all the jobs my wife had lined up for me,

I began to feel somewhat useless and decided to enroll in a couple of courses at the local adult-education school.

I noted, upon registration, that there was no tuition fee for a person over 60.

As I handed my tediously-filled-out papers to the clerk, I announced, "I'm 63."

Then, pulling out my wallet, I asked if she wanted to see my driver's license. She replied, "No, that's okay."
 
A little surprised, I asked, "Oh, do I look honest?"
 
"No," she answered. "You look 63."
 

 
--------
 
I found New York City immense and confusing on my first trip there.

One evening during the rush hour, I stopped at a newsstand in the heart of Times Square and asked the vendor which direction was north.
 
"Look, buddy," he replied in a loud and annoyed voice.

"We go uptown, we got downtown, and we got cross-town. We don't got north."
 
--------
 
I had volunteered to help my cousin with moving to a new town house.

Loading the truck went fast, but several of us had to ride in the truck, so the cab of our rented moving truck was crowded.
 
Too crowded, as there was no room left for my cousin's enormous, black, Great Dane in the cab.

So, laughing, we put him in the driver's seat of the pickup we were towing.
 
Once on the road, there was a sudden eruption of noise.

We looked back to see the Dane's huge paws resting on the horn while he howled in protest.
 
As we were about to pull over, another car came alongside the driver, rolled down his window and hollered, "Hey, lady! .... Why don't you let him pass?"

 

 

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mothers and the Census

THAT'S LIFE: A CENSUS POEM

[Published in the July 2007 edition of Royal Statistical Society News,
London]

He said "Your occupation please",
This census-taking guy.
I started to enumerate
And said quite frankly, "I
Wash the dishes, scrub the floors,
Shine the windows, polish doors,
Bathe three children, wipe their noses,
Work a little in the roses.
Do the washing, iron the clothes,
Pick up playthings, mend the hose,
Sweep out daily, close britches,
Sew a dress with tiny stitches,
Nurse a sick one, make the beds,
Kiss hurt places, shampoo heads,
Wash the blood off, hunt the mittens,
Wipe up after pups and kittens,
Tuck in covers, hear each prayer,
Brag a little, ease a care,
Take your pick. I get no pay,
But that's what I do every day".
He listened very carefully,
That's why I'm so annoyed,
Because that man just scribbled down
'Housewife. Unemployed.'


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Just a house wife

 
For Mothers
(Author Unknown)

 
A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer, and I didn't really have one handy, she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman clerk to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. What I mean is, "explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"
 
Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
 
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
 
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like official Interrogator or Town Registrar.
 
And what is your occupation?" she probed.
 
What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
 
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
 
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field??
 
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out).
 
I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters)." "Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."
 
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
 
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
 
Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.
 
Send this to another Mother you know. Whether a stay at home Mom or a career Mom, we should all carry this title.
 

 

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JUDAS ASPARAGUS - Good one

Judas Asparagus

If you need a laugh today, then  this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from theGarden of Eden .. ot sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.   After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.   Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot..  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')  During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



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