Thursday, April 7, 2016

Vienna

Aging gracefully

 Aging gracefully 

1.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2.  You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.

3.  I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

4.  I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

5.  I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

6.  Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

7.  I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

8.  Old age is coming at a really bad time!

9.  When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

10.  The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

11.  My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

12.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

13.  The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

14.  I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

15.  I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

16.  Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

18.  Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 

 

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Wisdom

 


When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventor of high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven; I used to wear a six,
 Now I wear a seven.


And how about those blasted tights -- They're sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses as the print's been getting smaller;
 And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey and my skin no longer fits, On the inside, I'm the same old me, the outside's changed a bit.





But, on a positive note...

 

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.





I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same as making a 'life.'
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life just being a doormat. You need to throw something back.
I've learned that to decide something with an open heart, you usually make the right decision.
I've learned that when I have pain, I don't have to be one.



I've learned that you should reach out and touch someone. People love a hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.




So please send this to five wonderful women today. If you do, you may boost another woman's self-esteem.



If you do not ...the elastic will break and your knickers will fall down around your ankles. :)


 



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The In-Laws

video

Read First!!

 *Husband and wife were on safari*
  Wife :  “If that cheetah catches that deer and kills it, I'm going to be   absolutely heartbroken!”
  Husband :  “That's nature. Don't go against it.
 The Cheetah has to kill it to  eat and survive.”
  Wife :  “Do something..!!!”
  Husband : “ What can I do?”
  Wife : “ If the deer dies I'll call my mother and make her stay with us for   the rest of our lives!!!”

Now watch the video...

 

 

 

 

 

Ramblings of A Retired Mind

Ramblings of A Retired Mind
 
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?"
I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond to that.   
 
Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has one clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was also thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people come over and see the cats' litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just  once  I want to answer,  'No, it's for company!'

Employment application forms always have the question: Who should be called in case of an emergency.  I think the answer should be: an ambulance!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me:  they are cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.     
 
Birds of a feather flock together and then poo on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: the Roman numeral for forty (40) is XL.

The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's in real trouble.

Aging:  eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their personal "odometers."  Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way - I've travelled  a long way and a lot of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ahhh, Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

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9 Important things to remember

#9   Death is the number 1 killer in the world.    

#8   Life is sexually transmitted.    

#7   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.    

#6   Men have 2 motivations:  hunger and hanky panky - and they can't tell them apart.

       If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.    

#5   Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet

       and he won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.  

#4   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.    

#3   All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.  

#2   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird,

        and people take Prozac to make it normal.    

#1   Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.    

                    Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

 

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God's Plan For Aging - Cute

  Most seniors never get enough exercise.  

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would

have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.    

 

Then God saw there was another need. 

In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would

drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. 

And God looked down and saw that it was good.    

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided

seniors would have additional calls of nature,

requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  

God looked down and saw that it was good. 

 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,

remember it’s God’s will.

It is all in your

best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

 

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