Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An Airline with a sense of humour


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ..
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite."


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"


 After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em."


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
 uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
 and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
 A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of

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Airport as a Dispatcher Sees It

Airport as a Dispatcher Sees It
Russian airport

Daily record of takeoffs and landings at the Domodedovo International Airport is 724.
 Maximum hourly capacity of two runways working simultaneously is 43 aircrafts.
All this air traffic is controlled by dispatchers working day and night at the air traffic control tower.
Profession of air traffic controller is among the most difficult ones speaking of psychological stress.
Let’s spend some time with professionals who control tens thousands of lives.

Domodedovo has two runways and each of them is controlled by the separate dispatcher teams. There is a total of 6 shifts, 10 dispatchers each.

 Probably first what you imagine hearing about an air traffic controller is a typical movie image of a severe man with huge headphones shouting something in a microphone and staring at a round monitor with a green line going round.
 Movies are not always true.
They don’t use headphones, displays are neither round, nor green and not only men can take their seats in the tower but pretty girls too.

Each display shows all the aircrafts near the airport. Dispatcher can control if they are climbing or descend, at which altitude and with which speed they are flying.

The whole airport territory is clearly visible from the tower.
 A complex of modern equipment including automatic visualization system is installed here. Wide field of view of the airfield allows controlling every vehicle movement.
If a dispatcher has any suspicions he uses binoculars.

If a runway controller switches on a special indicator with sound signal.

 All controllers’ actions are controlled by a senior dispatcher.
 He’s always moving from one controller to another supervising their activities.

 Each dispatcher is supposed to have a 20-minutes break every 2 hours. While having a rest he is replaced by a substitute dispatcher. 

 Minimal time between aircraft landings is 2 minutes and between takeoffs - from 1 to 3 minutes depending on the aircraft class. Atmosphere on the tower is very calm and quiet. When one of the dispatchers holds radio exchange with the aircraft’s crew all others keep silent or speak in a whisper.

For getting up to the tower air traffic controllers pass through this windowed door.
They use their special electronic passes and a fingerprint scanner to get in.

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Flight of the Rays

"Flight of the Rays"
Photograph by Florian Schulz

Thousands of Munk's devil rays crowd the Sea of Cortez off Mexico's Baja California Sur state in 2009.
German photographer Florian Schulz said the scope of the ray congregations was unknown until he and a pilot happened upon the gathering while searching for migrating whales.
Perhaps just as rare is the composition Schulz captured. "I was able to show how these rays are jumping out of the water," he said, "and at the same time I'm able to show—almost like an underwater photograph—how there're layers and layers and layers of rays."

The International Union for Conservation Union lists Munk's devil rays as near threatened, due in part to their vulnerability to gill nets—hard-to-see "curtains" of netting.
Given ray gatherings like the one pictured, Schulz said, "you could imagine a single net could take thousands and thousands."

Hide and Seek

A gray seal pokes its head through "clouds" of plant life in a winning picture by Estonian photographer Kaido Haagen.


Photograph by Bela Nasfay
Laid by April each year, European common frog tadpoles cluster in clumps of eggs on the bottom of a spring-fed Hungarian mountain

The Fortune Teller

Photograph by Radoslav Radoslavov Valkov
Like a soothsayer with a crystal ball, a fly rubs a bead of water in the backyard of the photographer

Channels and causeways in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, constructed to purify local gray water—wastewater from household activities such as bathing and laundering—for reuse.

Fly to Eye

Photo by Bence Mate
A green pit viper eyes a hummingbird

Back Wash

Photograph by Julienne Bowser
Like an erupting Mount Fuji, a wave takes on a perfect, peaked form at Snapper Rocks

Waste Not Want Not

Photo by Rowan E. Bestmann
Supermarket workers purge thawed food from powerless freezers in the wake of the biggest floods in decades to wash through the rural town of Charleville, Australia

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