1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
2. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
3. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
4. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
5. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
6. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
7. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
8. Old age is coming at a really bad time!
9. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
10. The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
11. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
13. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
14. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.
15. I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
16. Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
18. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
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