Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Punctuation

 

An English professor wrote the words:  

 

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

 

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote:

 

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

 

www.eposvriende.com

 

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Value of a Drink

 

The Value of a Drink


'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
And dreams
.
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your bra and panties.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
Going to feel all day. '

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
Get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
Not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:


'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, 'I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

AAN N PRAGTIGE VRIENDIN

 

Aan al die pragtige vriendinne in my lewe...

'n Goeie vriendin is soos 'n rekenaar:
- Sy "enter" jou lewe,
- "forward" jou probleme in gebed na God,
- "add" blydskap in jou lewe,
- "shift" jou na hoër hoogtes
- "save" jou in haar hart
- "delete" jou nooit in haar "memory" nie
en jy kan doodeenvoudig net nie sonder haar klaar kom nie!

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Note on the Door

A Note on the Door ~

I stopped to knock upon her door
And found the words she wrote,
The lonely words were scrawled
Across the saddest little note.

"Please come in, it's lonely here,
So lonely since you've gone..."
The words were written childishly,
Though she was ninety-one…

That little piece of paper
Taped upon her door,
Reminded me implicitly
What we are all here for…

So every day, I go and knock
And stay with her awhile,
I sit a spell and listen well,
And relish her sweet smile.

Who she had in mind that day,
I'll never really know
But I feel blessed, just to come
And watch our friendship grow…

Sharon Frye
© 2003 Heroes of the Heart

 

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

Man found Marinating his cat

A pet owner who allegedly marinated his cat in oils and peppers, intending to eat it, has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty.

Police found four-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chilli peppers, in the boot of 51-year-old Gary Korkuc's car.

The animal was discovered when traffic officers pulled Korkuc over for failing to stop at a stop sign in Buffalo, New York.

"The cat appeared to be marinating in it," a police spokesman said.

Korkuc then reportedly told officers he was punishing his cat for being ill tempered - and told them he planned to cook the cat.

 

I will be ill tempered as well with him as a owner, I’m sure.

 

 

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Makes u think!

 

 

 

People who do lots of work...
        make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
        make less mistakes

People who do no work...
        make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
        gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work




        I need a promotion !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The auction

This is an “old” e-mail that has done the rounds many times before, but just in case someone out there missed it……

 

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

 

When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.  A few months later the father received a package in the mail with a note -

 

"You do not know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life.

He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.  During my recovery in the hospital I thought about your son and wanted you to have this."

 

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He tried to pay that young soldier for the picture, but was told "Oh, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."

 

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

 

Some years later the wealthy man died. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel.

 

"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"

 

There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted. "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted.

"Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?" Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting.

We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"

 

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting."

 

Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. "We have $10, who will bid $20?"

 

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

 

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"

 

A man sitting on the second row shouted. "Now let's get on with the collection!"

 

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."

 

"What about the paintings?"

 

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"

 

[God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.]

 

 

 

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Friday, August 6, 2010

The man collecting the cans

[Forwarded by a grif.net factory worker]

 

 I work in a major US factory. We make refrigerators. Four thousand, five hundred new refrigerators every day

- but this focus is on one man who works in this huge factory.

 

I've seen him around for years but never paid much attention. He always seemed just a little odd. A little short.  A little ...scruffy.  Always the same old red ball cap. And always a garbage bag in one hand. He walks around this big old factory on his work breaks and on his lunch time collecting aluminum cans. Day after day, month after month, on hot days and cold days.

 

Over the years I've followed him as he walked to his old pickup truck on the coldest day with snow blowing and everyone with their collars turned up and their hands in their pockets. He would be there with a 40 gallon garbage bag full of aluminum cans. He'd toss it into the back of his truck and jump in and I'd reach my car and jump in and we'd all race to the exit of this big half empty parking lot.

 

Today I was working on a broken machine in this factory and the can man came by with his bag picking up cans. Our manager was standing there because the machine I was working on had been "down" for a couple of hours and he was getting worried that we might run one of the assembly lines out of the parts. I was finishing and I stood up just as the manager asked the can man what he did with all those cans. I'd never thought to ask him that question because I always just assumed he cashed them in at the recycle center.

 

The can man said "I give them to my neighbor. He's epileptic and can't hold a job".

 

I lifted up my head from the work and blurted out, "You mean you've been collecting all those cans for all these years just to give to your neighbor??"

 

"It ain't much" he said "but I give them to him. He can't hold a real job, but he can take these cans to recycling and get joy out of being able to help pay his bills".

 

Right then and there in that dreary factory I found myself looking smack at the face of Jesus. He was wearing a T-shirt and an old red ball cap and had a garbage bag full of aluminum cans in his hand. It was one of the most humbling moments of my life.

 

"Dear Lord, I offer my prayer for the can man and all others like him. I don't even know his name but You do. Lord, I lift him up to You. Bless him and watch over him for his is surely one of your best foot soldiers. He is a man whose feet I am unworthy to wash!! Thank you God for sending the can man to help his neighbor and for the lesson he taught me. May I remember it long after today. Amen!"

 

 

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

I hate my job day

 

 

When you have an  'I Hate My Job day' 
   [Even if you're retired,  You sometimes have those days]
 
  
   Try this out:
 
   Stop at your pharmacy
 and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
   Be very sure you get this brand
.

  
When you get home,   Lock your doors,
 
Draw
 the curtains and disconnect   the phone So you will not be disturbed. 
  
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
 
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
 so that it will not become chipped or broken. 
  
Now the fun part begins

  
Take out the literature from the box and read   it carefully.
 
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
 
   
 
"Every Rectal
 Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson 
Is   personally   tested and then sanitized."
 
  
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
 
' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
 Johnson & Johnson.' 
  
HAVE A NICE DAY;   AND REMEMBER,  
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
 
  
...Now,  
If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
 
You're just an old sour fart;
 
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson
 
  
Enjoy life now -  
It has an expiration date!

 

 www.eposvriende.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Purpose Of A Dog

 

 

A Dog's Purpose?   (from a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-oldIrish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. 
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' 
The Six-year-old continued,
''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
 

 
www.eposvriende.com

 

 

 

 

 

__._,_.___

 

 

 

__,_._,___

 

Wonderlike-dag!

 

 

 

  

 

 

Dikwels het jy so baie werk,

Jy word vanuit alle oorde bestook,

 

Dikwels is die pad so moeilik,

Dan lyk die heuwels onoorkombaar, ook.

 

Maar onthou dat die heuwels wat voor jou lê

Nooit so styl is as wat hulle lyk

 

Met geloof in jou hart moet jy begin,

En klim tot jy Jou droom bereik.

Want niks wat die moeite werd is

Is ooit te moeilik om te vermag

 

Solank jy die moed het om te poog

En die geloof om elke dag te glo

 

Geloof is immers 'n mag baie groter

As kennis, krag of bekwaamheid

En menige stryd word oorwin

 

As jy net vertrou op God se wysheid.

Want geloof kan enige berg versit

En daar is niks te moeilik vir Hom

 

Begin dus vandag met geloof in jou hart

En klim tot jou drome waar word.

 

Mag jy 'n Wonderlike dag hê.