The Truth about Santa / Father Christmas





I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. 

Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!


For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve.

It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of

Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.


Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket

wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an

enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.)

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.


Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas

morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the


Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and

strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate

claims that buck season had been extended.

Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost

up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for


Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in

the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint

bricks in the flue.

He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in

every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to

straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.


Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with

all those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as

anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to

pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. 

Definite guy.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these

individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.


But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,

peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"

it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd

quit dressing like a guy!


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